Mad Sabermetrician Creates The Perfect Baseball Player's Statistics

[Williamsburg2599]

Mad Sabermetrician Creates The Perfect Baseball Player's Statistics
May 18, 2006 | Onion Sports


MINNEAPOLIS—Sequestered in his parents' basement for the past 18 months, mad sabermetrician Gary Neeman emerged Wednesday after achieving the perfect combination of objective knowledge and functional predictors of future performance, successfully assembling the ideal baseball player's 2006 season statistics. "The VORP of Ty Cobb, the win shares of Barry Bonds, the equivalent average of Ted Williams—I have created the mathematical representation of the ultimate run-producing machine!" said Neeman, holding the sacred Bill James Historical Baseball Abstract above his head and invoking the isolated power of Babe Ruth. "I will soon share this creation with the entire baseball world, as long as I can find an overhead projector in time for the annual SABR Convention in Seattle this June!" Neeman's earlier attempts to produce the perfect player's statistics failed, as each of his first eight results was identical to Albert Pujols' 2005 batting line.

I love that onion.

[redbuck]

Wouldn't the perfect statistics include a 1.000 Batting average?

[Williamsburg2599]

Wouldn't the perfect statistics include a 1.000 Batting average?

I suppose,but its intended to be a joke

[pizzacutter]

Wouldn't the perfect statistics include a 1.000 Batting average?

Sad thing is that I thought the same thing, which proves that a) the Onion is (once again) dead on in its satire, and b) I need another hobby.

[SABR Matt]

Yeah....because all of us sabermetricians have no lives at all and are locked in our parents' basements toying with computers.

*headdesk*

I guess my sense of humor must be missing the "accuracy" of this satire.

[redbuck]

I know it was a joke. But it raises a few questions-

If the guy hits a homer every time up, he will never get any stolen bases and using "ESPN" stats he would just be a power guy with no speed.

[The Big C]

That isn't a question.

[Williamsburg2599]

Yea I know,I know,sorta steriotypical,but I think this joke was all about the punch line:

Neeman's earlier attempts to produce the perfect player's statistics failed, as each of his first eight results was identical to Albert Pujols' 2005 batting line.

We don't want to start another steriotype that Sabermetricans can't take a joke,do we?

[538280]

Yeah....because all of us sabermetricians have no lives at all and are locked in our parents' basements toying with computers.

*headdesk*

I guess my sense of humor must be missing the "accuracy" of this satire.

I agree. I realize it was intended to be a harmless joke, but it implies one of the worst and furthest from true stereotypes that exists, and encourages people to discredit sabermetrics. I don't find it to be funny at all.