Over Zealous Parents II

[Jake Patterson]

Going through some old coaching notes....

Overzealous parents can ruin youth athletics
Published: October 10, 2008
Posted in: Sports
SPORTS COMMENTARY


Lucas Myers


For the Review


I was in the gym doing my weekly workout when a story came on ESPN that caught my eye. The story almost knocked me off my treadmill.

It was about a 13-year-old girl who is a gifted basketball player. She is so talented that she had been playing in a boys league, but parents soon decided that they didn’t want their boys playing with a 6-foot 1-inch girl who was better than them. Instead, the girl will be forced to play with other girls who will not give her any competition.

The broadcast brought to mind many things that make parents appear unable to stay out of their kids’ sports.

I have played sports since before my memory allows me to venture back, and I remember always seeing parents get way too involved. These parents are usually the ones who were not much involved as children but for some reason they decide to live their athletic careers through their children.

In the aforementioned story, the parents of the boys seem to care more about their own embarrassment than what their children think. From an athlete’s perspective, most kids are not going to care if a girl plays with them; the boys will play and make the girl prove that she can play with them.

The parents should have stayed on the backburner and let the kids just play their sport. It will still be basketball with or without the girl. A woman deserves to have the same chances men do, and, therefore, the girl should be able to play with tougher competition if that’s what she needs.

This story is just the tip of the iceberg when it comes to problems with parents in sports. When a coach takes on an athlete anymore, he isn’t taking just the athlete; he is taking on the parents and any other over-interested family members. I remember being scared to death as a child when my father, the coach, would get screamed at by parents because their child only played three innings of a six-inning game.

My father never had the heart to tell them their child was playing a lot for how good the kids actually were. My father was a great coach who would train us in practice, but when it came to games, he just let us play. Everyone played, but parents were never happy even if their kid was playing, because they were not playing the position the parent wanted them to play. At some point, parents stopped allowing the coach to coach their children and decided, because they pay for their children to play, they are the coach’s boss and need to tell the coach how to do their job.

If this is the way the world works, then it is about time the coaches went to the parents’ house and told the parents how to raise their children.

I may sound biased and, as a coach, I probably am, but it is time our society regressed to realizing that handing a child everything they want will not create success. It used to be that sports could teach an athlete how to advance in the world with a little bit of hard work, but now it seems that sports have become corrupt and have allowed parents to take control of how their children play.

Parents today wonder why our generation is so dependent on them and have trouble leaving the nest, when in reality we can thank them for that. In high school, I had a best friend that I played on the basketball team with. His parents always pushed him to be the best and thought he was NBA-bound from the day he started walking.

His parents didn’t realize he was only 5 foot 7 inches and nowhere near good enough to play college basketball. He had always been coached by his dad and never knew anything besides starting and shooting. When we got to high school, he was expected to make varsity his freshman year, but instead I made varsity and he made the junior varsity team.

His parents were not satisfied with what happened, and took it to the school board to get the coach fired because their child wasn’t where they wanted him to be.

In the end, the coach was not fired and has rebuilt a struggling program back to its elite status.

This is just one example of parents getting too involved in their children’s sports.

I realize that some parents just care about their child and want them to do well, but sometimes parents try to relive their athletic days through their children. Parents can only push a child as far as they want to go, and the next step is not to take it into their own hands. The next step is to let the child do it themselves and allow the child to grow up on
their own

[songtitle]

now it seems that sports have become corrupt and have allowed parents to take control of how their children play

Listen to what you said here.

Whose kids are they? I am in charge of everything my kid does.

We have had some great coaches. Some knew stuff, some didn't. But we have also had some bad coaches - drunk at 9am, verbally abusive, daddy ball, run 3 minute basketball plays when you're down by 10 and have 5 minutes left, etc.

Leave it to each parent to handle their kid. You as a coach should control what you can on the field.

I agree, some parents are nuts. But, you can't change a tiger's stripes. It's all part of being a coach. A more appropriate topic would be "How to get the most out of overzealous parents/kids".

/soapbox over

[Jake Patterson]

Listen to what you said here.

The author said it.....

Good points.

[emmitt]

Good post Jake. I'm in the middle of a situation with overbearing parents and learned a valuable lesson this past weekend.

Our new 8U travel team has left our local park and there have been some heated words from parents from both sides about which teams their kids were going to play for. I was dreading playing them in tournaments as this would bring these hard feelings back between both sides.

We ended up playing each other in a tournament last weekend and you could tell the tension before the game between the parents on both sides. Both teams were in the cages taking batting practice in the cages before the game. I usually pitch for our team so I'm pretty close to the action. I noticed how the boys on both teams were so nice to each other and laughing and having fun. Then I looked over at the parents and noticed the "standoffish" attitude from some parents on both sides. Then I looked back at the kids as they were just about having fun.

Seeing the kids so lose and relaxed showed that it was just another games to them. They just wanted to have fun. It made me relax and I realized that the game is for the boys not the parents.

We ended up winning a close game 2-1, but there have been some harsh words from the parents on the other side. They just don't get it, but I think seeing those kids in the cages helped me get it.

I also wanted to say that I appreciate the words from other parents and coaches on this site with more experience. We've only been doing baseball for a little over a year and welcome the gained knowledge from you guys that have been through this before.

Emmitt

[shake-n-bake]

Listen to what you said here.

Whose kids are they? I am in charge of everything my kid does.

We have had some great coaches. Some knew stuff, some didn't. But we have also had some bad coaches - drunk at 9am, verbally abusive, daddy ball, run 3 minute basketball plays when you're down by 10 and have 5 minutes left, etc.

Leave it to each parent to handle their kid. You as a coach should control what you can on the field.

I agree, some parents are nuts. But, you can't change a tiger's stripes. It's all part of being a coach. A more appropriate topic would be "How to get the most out of overzealous parents/kids".

/soapbox over

Thank you!

My son had a coach that assumed EVERY parent was an over-zealous parent. He made what at first seemed like a really heart-felt, preemptive speech to the parents before the season started. Basically saying, leave the coaching to me and it's your job just to love them. Not more than 10 minutes later, it looked like it was all just grandstanding as he proceeded to tear into his kid during practice. Really though, what it turned out to be was throwing up a road block to resistance as he coached the team based on the name on the back of the jersey.

[Jake Patterson]

Thank you!

My son had a coach that assumed EVERY parent was an over-zealous parent. He made what at first seemed like a really heart-felt, preemptive speech to the parents before the season started. Basically saying, leave the coaching to me and it's your job just to love them. Not more than 10 minutes later, it looked like it was all just grandstanding as he proceeded to tear into his kid during practice. Really though, what it turned out to be was throwing up a road block to resistance as he coached the team based on the name on the back of the jersey.

What age????

[shake-n-bake]

What age????

I don't know. 40? maybe

[Jake Patterson]

I don't know. 40? maybe

Good one.... I meant the kids...

[shake-n-bake]

12U Little League

[Jake Patterson]

12U Little League

LOVE the Ducks clip... Very well done.

[Ursa Major]

We've been through much of this in prior years over the years, but the old issues still come up. As Emmitt's situation notes, it's often the parents of the 8u crowd that get the most over-the-top. In our rec league, by the time the kids get to 13u ball, everyone's been together and mixed together on teams, that they've all pretty much become friends. And, they realize that the real goal -- at least baseball wise -- is to get the kids ready for high school ball, so the results of any particular game no longer are so crucial.

[Jake Patterson]

We've been through much of this in prior years over the years, but the old issues still come up. As Emmitt's situation notes, it's often the parents of the 8u crowd that get the most over-the-top. In our rec league, by the time the kids get to 13u ball, everyone's been together and mixed together on teams, that they've all pretty much become friends. And, they realize that the real goal -- at least baseball wise -- is to get the kids ready for high school ball, so the results of any particular game no longer are so crucial.

I would agree the younger seem to be the worse.

[Chris O'Leary]

I would agree the younger seem to be the worse.

Absolutely.

We had a very relaxed 8th grade year, after multiple years of tension.

[Ursa Major]

In our rec league, the umpiring is done by older division players (and the 13-14u kids are coached by kids off the local high school team) ... and paid for it. So, the first year umpires are 12 y/o's assigned to umpire the 7-8 y/o coach-pitched games, which is a real baptism by fire. Sure, the umpires don't have to handle ball and strike calls, but they have to not only get all the safe-out calls right, they have to adjudge whether a runner had advanced half way to the next base by the time the ball is returned to the "pitcher's helper". On top of that, they have to deal with overzealous parents who often are either new to the game or have been away from it for so long that their memories of rules have been distorted by myths and old wives tales.

One reason that the parents of the 12 - 14 y/o players are so often mellower at games is that their sons are now umpiring lower level games, so they have a greater appreciation of what umpires have to go through.

[PhilliesPhan22]

What the heck is a "pitcher's helper?" We can't let the pitcher do things by himself anymore? No wonder these kids are so dependent.

[JJA]

I'll also argue that as a group parents of FPer's are way worse than the parents of the little leaguers. Maybe it's because dad didn't have a boy, but wow, some of those parents are way over the top.

[skipper5]

I'll also argue that as a group parents of FPer's are way worse than the parents of the little leaguers. Maybe it's because dad didn't have a boy, but wow, some of those parents are way over the top.

Also, as the kids get older, they don't seem to mellow out as much as the bb parents.

[Cannonball]

I'll also argue that as a group parents of FPer's are way worse than the parents of the little leaguers. Maybe it's because dad didn't have a boy, but wow, some of those parents are way over the top.

JJA, two weekends ago, my dd went to an camp as an invited player. During the camp, the head coach came up and asked what we were looking for in a college. I told her, we (wife and I) didn't care if my dd played D-I, D-II, D-III or NAIA. All we cared about was her happiness. This college coach stepped back some and looked at me. She said she hadn't run into someone like my wife and I in some time. My first thought was, what a shame.

Look there are overzelous parents at every level. Some are reliving their childhoods regardless of how often they say they aren't. Some are simply living their lives in a state of panic hoping that their child measures up. Some are ignorant and so, don't really know what to do. For some, no coach is smart enough and so, their "expert" is the be all for that child. All love their kids. Then, there are the other parents that are support systems for their kids regardless of outcome. Ironically, and again, no overzealous parent recognizes that fact. They are too into this experience.

Has anyone ever considered what this does to the kid? I can tell you one player who's dad told them to never bunt regardless of what the coach says. Then, the dad explained how to get to two strikes so that the coach would have to take the bunt off and let them hit. Didn't work out well for the player. At least a part of this thread has been about the coach not knowing what they are doing and so, the kid not doing what the coach instructs. Who's going to win in that scenerio? Everyone's child will go through that including mine.

Finally, some thoughts to think about. Are you the dad that starts every converstation by giving your child's resume? Do you cite stats? Do you have these stats even broken down into tournaments. high school, ... Is ever converstation about you child addressed in "we" played, ... Can you leave a facility if your child is practicing and do you understand that you might be a helicopter parent?" Is your first converstation at work or at lunch about what your child did during a game, tournament, ... Again, just some things to think on. JMHO!

[songtitle]

Are you the dad that starts every conversation by giving your child's resume? Do you cite stats?

There's your sign right there. There's one mom or dad on every team (baseball, basketball, whatever)

[Ursa Major]

What the heck is a "pitcher's helper?" We can't let the pitcher do things by himself anymore? No wonder these kids are so dependent.

Sorry, PP, in coach-pitch ball, the defensive team stations a player next to the coach who is pitching to (a) field the position as a pitcher would, and (b) receive return throws at the end of the play to freeze the runners where they are. Function (b) makes him the most important defensive player, because if he can't catch those throws consistently, the offense will run wild at the end of every play.

[Ursa Major]

JJA, two weekends ago, my dd went to an camp as an invited player. During the camp, the head coach came up and asked what we were looking for in a college. I told her, we (wife and I) didn't care if my dd played D-I, D-II, D-III or NAIA. All we cared about was her happiness. This college coach stepped back some and looked at me. She said she hadn't run into someone like my wife and I in some time. My first thought was, what a shame.

Cannonball, you bring up an interesting thought that has been nibbling at me for some time. (Maybe it deserves its own thread.) Here on the West Coast, the most prestigious colleges tend to be D-1 schools. (E.g., we don't have an Ivy League -- we have Stanford and Cal.) So, a parent of a top student who wants their kid to get a top education probably will aim to send him or her to a school where the kid is much less likely to make the team and very unlikely to get a scholarship. (Before anyone yells at me, yes I know there are many small terrific schools with DII or DIII programs like CalTech, Pomona College, UC San Diego, etc., but you get my point.)

If Ursa Minor were a candidate to play college ball (which he's not), and I were to utter within earshot of his mother anything to the effect that we don't care "if [he plays] D-I, D-II, D-III or NAIA", I would be in serious trouble. But, then, I'm not facing that 'dilemma', so perhaps I'm in no position to speak. And, of course, I mean no disrespect to you or any decision that your family makes -- I have every reason to believe that your DD's decision will be made with full regard for her educational goals.

[PhilliesPhan22]

Sorry, PP, in coach-pitch ball, the defensive team stations a player next to the coach who is pitching to (a) field the position as a pitcher would, and (b) receive return throws at the end of the play to freeze the runners where they are. Function (b) makes him the most important defensive player, because if he can't catch those throws consistently, the offense will run wild at the end of every play.

Thanks. Things have changes so much since I played LL 25 years ago. I remember being 7 and playing kid pitch. The games took forever, I guess thats why the coaches started pitching.

[Cannonball]

Cannonball, you bring up an interesting thought that has been nibbling at me for some time. (Maybe it deserves its own thread.) Here on the West Coast, the most prestigious colleges tend to be D-1 schools. (E.g., we don't have an Ivy League -- we have Stanford and Cal.) So, a parent of a top student who wants their kid to get a top education probably will aim to send him or her to a school where the kid is much less likely to make the team and very unlikely to get a scholarship. (Before anyone yells at me, yes I know there are many small terrific schools with DII or DIII programs like CalTech, Pomona College, UC San Diego, etc., but you get my point.)

If Ursa Minor were a candidate to play college ball (which he's not), and I were to utter within earshot of his mother anything to the effect that we don't care "if [he plays] D-I, D-II, D-III or NAIA", I would be in serious trouble. But, then, I'm not facing that 'dilemma', so perhaps I'm in no position to speak. And, of course, I mean no disrespect to you or any decision that your family makes -- I have every reason to believe that your DD's decision will be made with full regard for her educational goals.

Ursa, my daughter wants to be a teacher. Therefore, one main criteria is that an institution be an NCATE Institution. In other words, her teaching certificate will be accepted in all 50 states. I attended and played at a D-II school. I use the term loosely when I say "played." It was an NCATE Institution. Around us, people are not caught up in D-I, II, III or NAIA. Brianna currently will have her pick of 3 D-I schools, about 6 D-II schools and a whole bunch of D-III schools. One of those D-III schools in our area but not of which we've approached as of yet, is Washington University. That is one of the top academic and athletic D-III schools in the nation. One of the D-II schools is ranked in the top 10 in the nation. Two of the D-I schools are in the South and play a high level of ball. Again, we don't care. I have one daughter and her school is already paid for. Any scholarship and/or softball will be on her terms. Ursa, I've seen so many kids destroyed by parent ambitions. I've seen some attend schools where they will never play. I've seen some not play at all because the schools they were recruited for were not up to snuff for the parents. Brianna wants to play and so, we take her for these tournaments, unofficial visits etc. and when she finds the right fit, she'll decide. I know this, if it isn't a D-I many, if not most of the people who've criticized her swing or what I've taught her will be "I told you so." Who cares. My child's happiness is all that I care about.

[PhilliesPhan22]

Tell her not to be a history teacher. There are no jobs out there, trust me.

[Cannonball]

Tell her not to be a history teacher. There are no jobs out there, trust me.

I too am a history teacher. Sometime, if you want, we can swap stuff. I've done this for about 25 years. I'm an old fart. She wants to teach young kids. She also wants to coach softball in hs. She teaches Sunday School Class now and so, really loves doing that.

Ursa, I do think your thoughts on another thread is a great idea. How about starting it.