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HELP: Angry Coach or Angry Parent !

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  • HELP: Angry Coach or Angry Parent !

    My biggest hurdle is 'angry coach'. It only comes out when coaching my son, and never comes out with players. I do see a lot of this with the parents as well. I feel embarrassed when I see other parents do this and often ask myself is that what I look like to them. Most of us are expecting too much too soon.

    Any tips on getting rid of this alter ego?

  • #2
    Originally posted by T Dot View Post
    My biggest hurdle is 'angry coach'. It only comes out when coaching my son, and never comes out with players. I do see a lot of this with the parents as well. I feel embarrassed when I see other parents do this and often ask myself is that what I look like to them. Most of us are expecting too much too soon.

    Any tips on getting rid of this alter ego?
    I sure that 99.99% of us on this board has done that at least once. Have you tried to just let the other two coaches coach him and stay back.
    Last edited by coachrjb; 05-16-2019, 10:41 AM.
    Instagram: gavin_thereal34

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    • #3
      Originally posted by T Dot View Post
      My biggest hurdle is 'angry coach'. It only comes out when coaching my son, and never comes out with players. I do see a lot of this with the parents as well. I feel embarrassed when I see other parents do this and often ask myself is that what I look like to them. Most of us are expecting too much too soon.

      Any tips on getting rid of this alter ego?
      Ok, so you asked. Why are you angry? You might want to sit down alone with yourself and ask yourself this question. Often, but I don't know in your case, a parent is angry because their child didn't meet their expectations and they feel embarrassed. So, yell at the child. At times, they are angry because they perceive some type of disrespect from the child. Often that isn't the case and the child is as upset as the parent. Therefore, you've made your son hate the game more. At times, a child simply doesn't understand regardless of the number of times that they have been told something. Missing in this is the "tell em, show em, let em."

      I coached my child in both TB and HS. If you are feeling angry all of the time, turn it over to someone else. I was very proud of my child. I let her play on her terms. While it was hard, you have to let loose and let them enjoy the game. Trust in yourself as a parent and that you have raised your child the right way and they will eventually get it.
      Granny said Sonny stick to your guns if you believe in something no matter what. Because it's better to be hated for who you are than to be loved for who you're not.

      I am an ex expert. I've done this long enough to know that those who think that they know it all, know nothing.

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      • #4
        You deserve a lot of credit for dealing with this early in the journey.
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        • #5
          Thank you all for responding.

          I saw this coming well before I signed my son up for playing. I made a promise to him/myself this would be corrected.

          Letting them pay on their terms is something I just learned. During many coach-able moments I was angry at my son for not catching on soon enough, or forgetting what has already learned. I see it in his demeanor already - 'What is Daddy going to say now?'. When I see that, I take a step back and try to remind myself of his age. I also try to rephrase what I just said in a more positive manner.

          I expect a lot from him because of my level of ability. He has the advantage of my past, so I expect him to exceed my level of play. He has done so much already and is beyond my talent for his age.

          It's a very tough battle for me and I am disgusted when I see it from other parents. So I want to put my money where my mouth is, and practice what I want to preach. I want to lead by example. So when the time comes, my son can do the same when he is called upon.

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          • #6
            Originally posted by T Dot View Post
            I expect a lot from him because of my level of ability. He has the advantage of my past, so I expect him to exceed my level of play. .
            I think it was Jett who said that kids like playing lacrosse because their dads know nothing about it.
            Last edited by skipper5; 05-16-2019, 11:02 AM.
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            • #7
              i believe one problem is some parents and coaches believe how their kid plays is a reflection on their past athletic ability. Parents also can’t want success for their kids more than the kid wants it. Some parents want to be a member of the elite “my kid is a special player” circle. They become a center of attention being told how great their kid is. Parents want to win. Kids want to have fun. Let the kids have fun.

              My son wanted to win. At seven he threw a participation trophy in the trash on the way out the gym door. But is U9 (8yo) soccer I learned everything I needed to know about my son’s competitiveness. He could flip the switch and forget the game quickly. Too many parents can’t flip the switch. While the kids are wrestling on the playground at McDonald’s parents are sitting at a table intensely rehashing and analyzing the game.

              After wining the U9 travel soccer championship ....

              Me: Great job!

              Him: Yea.

              Me: What did the coach say?

              Him: He said we played well. What’s for lunch?

              Me: He must have said more than that.

              Him. He said we spaced well. Can I have a PlayStation for Christmas?

              Lesson learned ... Enjoy the game. Then flip the switch.

              If your kid is playing in high school no one no one will be talking about baseball before high school. If your son isn’t playing in high school no one will be talking about baseball. Enjoy the moment for what it’s worth.

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              • #8
                Originally posted by T Dot View Post
                I expect a lot from him because of my level of ability. He has the advantage of my past, so I expect him to exceed my level of play. He has done so much already and is beyond my talent for his age.
                You have just diagnosed the cause of your anger. We all want our children to be better than we are, have a better life, better job, make more money, be more successful in whatever it is they are doing; HOWEVER, that is not also a given. The sooner you understand that your kid doesn't need to be you or better than you, that you just need to let him be him you be better off.
                Last edited by coachrjb; 05-16-2019, 11:11 AM.
                Instagram: gavin_thereal34

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                • #9
                  Originally posted by coachrjb View Post

                  You have just diagnosed the cause of your anger. We all want your childern to be better than we are, have a better life, better job, make more money, be more successful in whatever it is they are doing; HOWEVER, that is not also a given. The sooner you understand that your kid doesn't need to be you or better than you, you just need to let him be him you will be at a happier place.
                  Got it coach - pun intended. I will work on this and hope to report back with successful results.

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                  • #10
                    I was hard on my son early on as well. Not necessarily on the field, but I'm sure he dreaded some of the rides home, I could be critical. I had to realize, at the end of the day, it's just a game, and it's supposed to be fun. There are going to be good days on the diamond, there's going to be bad days, brain farts, errors. Focus on praising the good. When it's bad, let them start the discussion (if they want to have one at all). Be a help, not a hindrance. Be an encourager, not a nit-picker. Let them play on their terms.

                    I was at a rec league game a week or two ago (9/10 year old). I felt like jacking up a few of the parents and coaches, and tell them how stupid they looked/sounded. Let the kids play ball and have fun for goodness sakes. A good many of those kids won't play HS ball, and even less go further than that. Their baseball time is limited, so enjoy the fact that they're enjoying playing, leave it be, keep your mouth shut unless you have something good to say.
                    Ty Cobb-"Every great batter works on the theory that the pitcher is more afraid of him than he is of the pitcher."

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                    • #11
                      Can we be correct in saying that you're the "angry coach" when it comes to your son, and that it's not that his coach is someone else who you feel gets angry with what you perceive to only be a your son?

                      If it is the former, and not the latter, then I can tell you that embarrassingly enough, I caught myself doing that at times, or even had my pops who'd come to the games point that out to me after some of them. To this all I can suggest is that since you've already identifying it in yourself is step #1...step #2 is to try to remember that your son's performance is not a direct reflection of your coaching ability.

                      Sometimes I feel that we as coaches get the (faulty) idea that others believe that since we have so much time to work with our own kids, that they should automatically be the top or one of the players on the team...when in reality there as so many things that go into a kid's performance, that that's a misguided feeling, and that part of our kid's abilities (or inabilities) is a direct reflection of the higher standard we inadvertently hold them to, and the pressure(s) we unduly put on them because of that.

                      All I can advise is that since you've now identified your problem, try to discontinue making it your son's problem...and just let him play the game with all of the warts, as well as good things he does within it. If you can't seem to ever get past that, it's probably best that you step aside, and let your son play for someone else, and just cheer for him from the stands.

                      Note: Kids are all different, and I was able to coach my oldest through all of the lumps and bumps of a son playing for his pops, when my youngest did better once he started playing for someone else. Just my personal experience with my too boys....OMMV.
                      Last edited by mudvnine; 05-16-2019, 11:30 AM.
                      In memory of "Catchingcoach" - Dave Weaver: February 28, 1955 - June 17, 2011

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                      • #12
                        You need to work on it just like you would ask a player to work on their baseball or mental skills. The key is identifying when you're going off the rails and use some techniques to slow yourself down and change your reaction. A good step is to identify what you're trying to communicate to your son and ask another coach to do it for you. The other is to write down the issue in the moment and then go over it at a later time, this will give you some cool of time.

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                        • #13
                          Originally posted by mudvnine View Post
                          Can we be correct in saying that you're the "angry coach" when it comes to your son, and that it's not that his coach is someone else who you feel gets angry with what you perceive to only be a your son?

                          If it is the former, and not the latter, then I can tell you that embarrassingly enough, I caught myself doing that at times, or even had my pops who'd come to the games point that out to me after some of them. To this all I can suggest is that since you've already identifying it in yourself is step #1...step #2 is to try to remember that your son's performance is not a direct reflection of your coaching ability.

                          Sometimes I feel that we as coaches get the (faulty) idea that others believe that since we have so much time to work with our own kids, that they should automatically be the top or one of the players on the team...when in reality there as so many things that go into a kid's performance, that that's a misguided feeling, and that part of our kid's abilities (or inabilities) is a direct reflection of the higher standard we inadvertently hold them to, and the pressure(s) we unduly put on them because of that.

                          All I can advise is that since you've now identified your problem, try to discontinue making it your son's problem...and just let him play the game with all of the warts, as well as good things he does within it. If you can't seem to ever get past that, it's probably best that you step aside, and let your son play for someone else, and just cheer for him from the stands.

                          Note: Kids are all different, and I was able to coach my oldest through all of the lumps and bumps of a son playing for his pops, when my youngest did better once he started playing for someone else. Just my personal experience with my too boys....OMMV.
                          I can confirm it's the former.

                          I do not know what I would do or how I would react if it was indeed the latter. If it was the latter, that would be a whole other story.

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                          • #14
                            I fight the same issues with my daughter even though I am not her coach per se but just work with her at home. As silly as this seems, here it goes. My wife typically sends me an e-mail every 2 or 3 days with flashback pictures (I think shutterfly sends them to her) of my daughter when she was young, e.g. 1 or 2 years old. Whenever I start to get pissed off I try and picture that and remember that is the same little girl that I am about to yell at it over something as silly as not moving her feet correctly to catch a ground ball.... Seems corny but it works for me...
                            Last edited by pattar; 05-16-2019, 11:52 AM.

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                            • #15
                              Originally posted by andre8 View Post
                              You need to work on it just like you would ask a player to work on their baseball or mental skills. The key is identifying when you're going off the rails and use some techniques to slow yourself down and change your reaction. A good step is to identify what you're trying to communicate to your son and ask another coach to do it for you. The other is to write down the issue in the moment and then go over it at a later time, this will give you some cool of time.
                              Point well taken. I will talk to the HC about this, see how he can possibly coach my son and I just watch in the background. Maybe we both can try this, as I see the 'angry coach' in him when he coaches his son.

                              We have a game tonight and every night just like my son's game play, I try to improve on my non-angry coaching abilities.

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