An Angry Bird

[zocco]

Fellow coaches,

How do you handle a kid who gets angry on anything that doesn't go his way?

I have a 10yr old, who gets angry at everything that doesn't go his way. Errors in the field (his own and other players), striking out at the plate, while pitching and having the ump call a ball an inch outside, walking a batter, etc....He's real competitive and probably an all-star on the team with the knowledge of the game and his skills. The anger affects him with melt downs....one bad call, and he'll walk the next two stuing over the bad call, etc :hissyfit: Initially, included in the anger was throwing equiptment which I have immediately put a stop to that by providing warnings and when it continued, sitting him.

I love his competitive spirit, but want to be able to redirect the anger to get some positive...any tips?

[The Flush]

You could very well be talking about a kid on our team. In our case, the kid has had a tough life lately with family issues which I am sure affects his attitude on the field. From what I have heard, he learned a lot of it from his father, who is not around right now. As coaches we try to downplay his mistakes and praise his good plays (even moreso than the rest of the team). We try to get him to focus on learning from mistakes while not dwelling on them. Off the field, we are trying to help by being positive role models, which he has been lacking for a while. All the coaches have had him over to play with our kids to try to get his mind off the rest of the stuff he is going through. I wish I had more help for you, but we are still trying to figure out how to help this kid as well.

[JCincy]

How do you handle a kid who gets angry on anything that doesn't go his way?

1. Set clear expectations for him and all your players.
- Showing a little disappointment, no problem, as long as you pull yourself together in a few minutes. Other players and the coaches will almost always offer a word of encouragement.
- If you let it impact your play or your teammates you can sit out an inning or two or the rest of the game. I've had kids that would rather stew on the bench for an inning than go back out anyway. If you can't get yourself together, you will leave the team dugout and go sit with the fans.
- Any violent or dangerous behavior -- throwing things, swinging and flailing, you are out of my dugout.

2. Repeated behavior requires a discussion with the adult that is responsible for him. Let the adult know your expectations. You like the boy and want him to succeed. However, the inappropriate behavior will not be tolerated. I have had to do this a couple of times. In both cases, the kid changed his ways. If either of them would have continued with their negative actions, I would have contacted our association president and taken steps to the remove the kids from the team.

I did have one boy, that never became violent but would occasionally whine and moan about nothing. His dad would tell me about what a rough time the kid had, before coming to the game. Rough? This kid wasn't missing meals or getting bullied. His rough day...he woke and decided to be a pain in the rear and daddy nursed his every whim. I would tell the dad, that my dugout is a whine free zone. If the boy wanted to whine, he could sit away from me, because I didn't want to hear it. He stopped complaining to me, but his dad continued to get an ear full. Gee, I wonder why?
Setting clear expectations and taking definitive action will do more the for the kid than just letting have his way. Poor behavior should not be rewarded.

[mudvnine]

I have immediately put a stop to that.....by providing warnings and when it continued, sitting him.

I love his competitive spirit, but want to be able to redirect the anger to get some positive...any tips?

IMO, you have already found your answer that works with him....

Don't know his situation at home, and this is a generalization....but typically kids that display this type of behavior, have not been taught proper boundaries, an appropriate display of emotions, and what is and isn't acceptable in public (ie. lack of discipline at home from the parents).

By setting limits for his emotional display of anger, and giving him consequences for unacceptable ones, you will find that in most cases, he'll respond to it with further outbursts in the dugout, but a calm, counseling, but blunt and strict talk, will soon have him straightening out his act, when he learns that you'll not relent on your decision(s) to sit him, to simple pacify and quiet him, as is than likely the case at home.

While a wide array of emotions and reactions are completely normal at this age, he is also well past the age of where teaching how properly deal with disappointment and failure should have already started. Children need, and thrive when appropriate discipline, rule setting, and consequential punishment is properly used.

I think you'll be surprised how quickly he'll respond to it, and actually become much happier playing the game, once he learns how to properly channel his emotions to accentuate the positives ("real competitive"), and not let it hurt him with the negatives ("affects him with melt downs").

Best of luck, it's not easy, but with calmness, calculation, and consistency...you'll soon find that he'll look to as not just a "coach" on the baseball diamond, but many times when away from it also.

[mudvnine]

Setting clear expectations and taking definitive action will do more the for the kid than just letting have his way. Poor behavior should not be rewarded.

Excellent post JCincy. :applaud:

Had I read it while typing mine, I wouldn't have bothered to continue....

[Jake Patterson]

Don't know his situation at home, and this is a generalization....but typically kids that display this type of behavior, have not been taught proper boundaries, an appropriate display of emotions, and what is and isn't acceptable in public (ie. lack of discipline at home from the parents).

Having had some experience with this what I found to work best was this.... I never felt fighting anger with anger works so I never got mad... I simply told the angry player that he would have to sit until he calmed down. I told them that playing baseball well is not possible when angry... After the first few times, they usually get the message.

[songtitle]

Kids are like puppies. Some puppies stop gnawing the furniture when they are a few months old, others when they are a few years old.

[azmatsfan]

Having had some experience with this what I found to work best was this.... I never felt fighting anger with anger works so I never got mad... I simply told the angry player that he would have to sit until he calmed down. I told them that playing baseball well is not possible when angry... After the first few times, they usually get the message.

Good advice. Then once the player has calmed down is the time to pull him aside and have good stern discussion on his behavior and why it's not acceptable. I don't think kids can process anything told to them while they are in the middle of one of their tantrums.

[shake-n-bake]

The first piece of advice I have is to do everything that you can to not let the actions of this player or another bring you down. Don't in any way make it personal, or get angry, or even blame yourself. Those that have said to create consequences for not staying within clearly defined expectations are right on.

These kids, even ones from good homes with attentive and engaged parents can bring some emotional baggage that you may not be able to fix. Realize that and show compassion even when you tell yourself that you'd never allow your kid to behave like that. Not so much compassion though that you fail to follow through on the negative consequences.

I think all you can really do (on the surface) is manage these kids' episodes. Do it so that it minimizes the effect on you and the other players, but not so it's personal. Good reason to cover all the bases preseason with the players and parents - AND - to revisit the expectations and priorities as needed. Got to have rules and the penalties have to have teeth.

[tg643]

I sit the kid on the bench. I tell him he can't play baseball without a clear head. If minimum playing time is an issue that's what he gets. The couple of kids I dealth with were cured in a game with a seat on the bench.

[CircleChange11]

I sit the kid on the bench. I tell him he can't play baseball without a clear head. If minimum playing time is an issue that's what he gets. The couple of kids I dealth with were cured in a game with a seat on the bench.

Reminds me of a student I had in 9th grade who kept (intentionally) farting in class to get a laugh.

I called his mom and explained that it has continued despite a fair warning, and I requested she take him to the doctor to have it looked at. Jokes aside, she knew what I was getting at.

She firmly informed me that "The Good Lord would have him cured by tomorrow morning, Mr. CircleChange11."

Playing time does seem to solve many issues, even/especially, the "walking back to dugout slowly dragging the bat after a K" syndrome.

[Ursa Major]

Zocco, we're assuming that this is a kid on your team, and not your own child. Big difference.

While the kid's behavior is not completely unheard of, it's extreme enough to assume that he's got some issues well outside of baseball. I think it's fair to approach the parents and find out if this is something that is common outside of baseball and if it is "being addressed" (that's code for - is he getting professional help?). If the problems are deeply rooted, it's above your pay grade to try to do anything than prevent the symptoms from affecting your team, though it's possible that the kid's shrink/analyst/psychologist/whatever will want to either speak to your or pass along some strategies.

If he's just a whiny kid whose parents are in denial, you can advise them that you are going to set firm boundaries and his playing time will suffer. And, a sour attitude can infect the team - if he starts griping, tell him to leave the bench and go sit with his parents until you determine he's ready to be a part of the team again. Then pay attention to the other kids and the game as though whatever he did that's improper did not happen; you owe that to the other kids.

What you don't want to have happen is that other kids and their parents wonder, "Why does little Badapple get away with that conduct and my kid gets admonished if he grimaces over a bad umpiring call?"

The great advice above is to make sure that you act like the adult and don't get caught up in a personal mano y mano with the kid where you start raising your voice - down that road lies disaster.

[zocco]

Thanks everyone for the advice. I had the opportunity to follow it this weekend. (BTW, not my kid)

Saturday another episode came up....the perfect storm...bases loaded, two outs, the angry bird up at the plate. Called strike three on a questionable high pitch.

The kid was so angry...all the other kids, except the angry bird and one other player had already taken the field. The angry bird took his helmet and threw it down the length of the dugout...I sat down with him, calmly said have a seat until you're ready to play baseball.

azmatsfan, you are correct...he can't process when he's in the rage....he didn't even realize what I said, still complaining about the umpires call. He was grabbing his glove and about to go out on the field. I had to reiterated what I said two more times, and explained why he's sitting. He slowly walked back to the bench, finally realizing what is going on....Then, I went over to the dad (a part time coach), explained what's going on, as well to his mom in the stands. Both understood, and the mom actually said 'Its about time.' We played the field with 9 players (normally play with 10 players, 4 in the outfield).

We'll see if he changes...I have another teaching opportunity with our game on Tuesday.

[Jake Patterson]

Good job, hope it all works out!

[CircleChange11]

Thanks everyone for the advice. I had the opportunity to follow it this weekend. (BTW, not my kid)

Saturday another episode came up....the perfect storm...bases loaded, two outs, the angry bird up at the plate. Called strike three on a questionable high pitch.

The kid was so angry...all the other kids, except the angry bird and one other player had already taken the field. The angry bird took his helmet and threw it down the length of the dugout...I sat down with him, calmly said have a seat until you're ready to play baseball.

azmatsfan, you are correct...he can't process when he's in the rage....he didn't even realize what I said, still complaining about the umpires call. He was grabbing his glove and about to go out on the field. I had to reiterated what I said two more times, and explained why he's sitting. He slowly walked back to the bench, finally realizing what is going on....Then, I went over to the dad (a part time coach), explained what's going on, as well to his mom in the stands. Both understood, and the mom actually said 'Its about time.' We played the field with 9 players (normally play with 10 players, 4 in the outfield).

We'll see if he changes...I have another teaching opportunity with our game on Tuesday.

Only thing I would add is that a coach-player, sittinjg next to each other on the bench discussion needs to take place.

"Do you know why I'm having you sit out this inning?" "That's right, do you understand why I don't want you to do that?" ... and things of that nature.

You may also need to inform him of some acceptable things that he can do when he is mad. Sometimes, as adults, we basically tell emotional kids not to react when angry (or worse, tell them not to get man), which is essentially an impossible expectation.