A Tale of Two Coaches

[Kan-Man]

I have two sons, ages 9 and 5. My oldest has been playing spring and fall in our local rec league since he was 5. Except for t-ball, he's had the same manager and more or less the same teammates. I've been an assistant coach since he started. At first his manager seemed perfectly fine - an affable guy albeit somewhat disorganized. He also managed his older son's team so I took on a number of responsibilities - everything from communicating with the parents about changes in the game schedule to monitoring concession stand duty, etc. I also managed the team when he was unavailable. Some seasons it was about half the games. My wife always thought he was taking advantage of me but it never really bothered me that much. My wife's main gripe, though, was the team never practiced. Baseball, as you know, is a game of repetition and this manager just didn't think practice was beneficial. Consequently our team was always one of the worst. Every season would end the same - no thank you's from the players, the manager or the parents. It wasn’t a particularly well-behaved team during the season, so that wasn’t too much of a surprise. In retrospect I should have asked the league to move my son to a different team but my son feels very strongly about certain routines and the devil you know...

Then things got ugly about a year ago. One of the other parents overheard my wife suggest that the reason the other teams outplayed us was because they practiced regularly. This parent then told our manager that my wife was "bad mouthing" him. This led to a confrontation between the manager and my wife and supposedly they cleared the air. Then last spring I got an email from the manager that said another manager drafted my son. I couldn't understand what had happened because the way our league works, the assistant coach's son is automatically placed on the manager's team to make sure the manager-coach team stayed intact. Turns out the manager decided to get another assistant coach but didn't bother to tell me. When pressed he said he heard I told the other parents that I would never coach with him again. He also said he knew my wife had continued to bad-mouth him. Neither of which is true, but I'm guessing he just didn't want to deal with us anymore. After a bit of back and forth, my son was placed back on the team (against our better judgment, but my son wanted to stick with the team he knew). It made for a very rough season for my son – he batted last most of the time and was always placed at the same position in the field. He never complained even though I knew it bothered him. The season ended with little fanfare – the manager said there would be a party and he’d hand out the trophies. Not surprisingly the party never happened and my son never got his trophy.

The upshot is my oldest son isn’t sure he wants to play baseball anymore. He’s taking the fall season off with an eye towards next spring. We’re going to get him some private lessons in the hope that a fresh start will reignite his passion for the game.

Meanwhile, my youngest son just began t-ball with the same league. Outwardly we’ve been very enthusiastic but privately we’ve been worried about a repeat of our oldest son’s experience.

My youngest started his games over the weekend and I’m happy to report things couldn’t be better. A very supportive group of coaches - extremely organized and friendly - and a great group of parents as well. I realize everything is rosy in t-ball but we’ll take the victories where we can find them.

PS – my youngest has never played before but they tried coach pitch with him and in five at-bats he hit the first pitch each time. He even recorded an out while playing first.

All of which is a very long way to emphasize the importance of a good coach. It goes way beyond practice techniques or effective drills – they’re responsible for a child’s enthusiasm, which can just as easily be extinguished as it can be nurtured.

[tg643]

YOU have to be the leading force in leading your sons to love baseball. But they have to be the ones who fall in love with the game. YOU also have to teach them there will be adversity in the game and in life. Part of life is dealing with adversity and getting back on your feet. I wouldn't worry about your son not wanting to play until he doesn't want to sign up before spring. Give him the fall off from lessons. Let him get away from baseball. Save the lessons until the six weeks before practice starts. One benefit of coaching the second kid is you now have experience.

[HeinekenMan]

YOU have to be the leading force in leading your sons to love baseball. But they have to be the ones who fall in love with the game. YOU also have to teach them there will be adversity in the game and in life. Part of life is dealing with adversity and getting back on your feet. I wouldn't worry about your son not wanting to play until he doesn't want to sign up before spring. Give him the fall off from lessons. Let him get away from baseball. Save the lessons until the six weeks before practice starts. One benefit of coaching the second kid is you now have experience.

I agree with you on the first part but not the second. If the kid is batting last, It's probably at least partly a reflection on his ability. I think dad would be better served to spend the off-season working with the kid to improve his skill level. It doesn't have to be every day. But spending 3-4 hours a week working with him on hitting, throwing and defense might be just what he needs. Of course, it's difficult to know without knowing more about the situation.

[Kan-Man]

YOU have to be the leading force in leading your sons to love baseball. But they have to be the ones who fall in love with the game. YOU also have to teach them there will be adversity in the game and in life. Part of life is dealing with adversity and getting back on your feet. I wouldn't worry about your son not wanting to play until he doesn't want to sign up before spring. Give him the fall off from lessons. Let him get away from baseball. Save the lessons until the six weeks before practice starts. One benefit of coaching the second kid is you now have experience.

You make some good points. One of the trickiest things with my oldest son was that I was also trying to teach him to always be respectful of his coaches (he's a very well mannered kid, so that wasn't hard to do) but it was a challenge because he so clearly was being treated worse than the rest of the team, probably to spite my wife and me. In spite of that, I reminded him to thank his coach after every game. It's pretty remarkable that after all of these years, he's still the only kid on his team to do that.

[Kan-Man]

I agree with you on the first part but not the second. If the kid is batting last, It's probably at least partly a reflection on his ability. I think dad would be better served to spend the off-season working with the kid to improve his skill level. It doesn't have to be every day. But spending 3-4 hours a week working with him on hitting, throwing and defense might be just what he needs. Of course, it's difficult to know without knowing more about the situation.

He had a rough season for sure. And he does need to regain some confidence, especially since he got hit by a lot of pitches. But the manager established a policy of flipping the order each game. Yet at some point in the second half of the season, he would flip the order for everyone else except for my son. So during many games, he only got one at bat despite the fact that he's the only player on the team to show up for every game.

[HeinekenMan]

He had a rough season for sure. And he does need to regain some confidence, especially since he got hit by a lot of pitches. But the manager established a policy of flipping the order each game. Yet at some point in the second half of the season, he would flip the order for everyone else except for my son. So during many games, he only got one at bat despite the fact that he's the only player on the team to show up for every game.

Well, it's obvious that he has no business being a coach. No coach should let coach-parent issues impact the way he treats kids on his team. Get as far away from him as possible.

[Baseball gLove]

I believe that if a kid has put in the time to show up to practice and games, and does not feel he has improved and has contributed in some way to a rec team by the end of the season, then the manager has utterly failed his responsibilities. If the manager had an issue with your wife fine, but to take it out on a kid? He is a jerk.

[Baseball gLove]

I am proud to say I made every kid feel important on every team I've coached. I let kids know they CAN do it. The most awkward kid 11u player on my 12u competitive team was told he was important to us. I worked on his hitting and he able to get the bat on the ball. And when the bat meets the ball things can happen.

[tg643]

I agree with you on the first part but not the second. If the kid is batting last, It's probably at least partly a reflection on his ability. I think dad would be better served to spend the off-season working with the kid to improve his skill level. It doesn't have to be every day. But spending 3-4 hours a week working with him on hitting, throwing and defense might be just what he needs. Of course, it's difficult to know without knowing more about the situation.

A sport doesn't need to be year round until high school, if it even needs to be then. When a kid has a tough go of it a break from the game is good. There are other sports and activities to fill the time. My kids play(ed) college ball. They only played baseball/softball from March to the first week of August in their preteen years.

[Jackaroo Dave]

Why is it in all these stories the kids seem to be the only ones with any maturity?

[tg643]

You make some good points. One of the trickiest things with my oldest son was that I was also trying to teach him to always be respectful of his coaches (he's a very well mannered kid, so that wasn't hard to do) but it was a challenge because he so clearly was being treated worse than the rest of the team, probably to spite my wife and me. In spite of that, I reminded him to thank his coach after every game. It's pretty remarkable that after all of these years, he's still the only kid on his team to do that.

My son was treated poorly by a couple of coaches. And it occurred at more time significant ages. But I convinced him he could survive and he did. One was due to a conflict I had with the 16U (son was fifteen) head coach were I was an assistant after we merged teams. Another was an obvious attempt by a 13U basketball coach to hold my son back and demoralize him for the benefit of his kid. All the parents noticed and shook their heads. It didn't work either time. I explained to my son in both cases the coach had a cranial-anal inversion but it was his responsibility to respect the coach was in charge.

[tg643]

Why is it in all these stories the kids seem to be the only ones with any maturity?

Because the kids play for fun while some coaches have their priorities out of whack or have an agenda.

[FiveFrameSwing]

Interesting story.

Couldn’t help but notice that you placed blame on the manager for your child’s enthusiasm.

The manager tried to have your son placed on a different team. The picture you painted up to that point suggested that you should have wanted the same thing. The reason given to remain with the team was your son’s desire to remain in a familiar environment. It’s human nature to resist change … but it can cost you … and that should be one of the lessons learned from the experience.

[Kan-Man]

Interesting story.

Couldn’t help but notice that you placed blame on the manager for your child’s enthusiasm.

The manager tried to have your son placed on a different team. The picture you painted up to that point suggested that you should have wanted the same thing. The reason given to remain with the team was your son’s desire to remain in a familiar environment. It’s human nature to resist change … but it can cost you … and that should be one of the lessons learned from the experience.

Pretty astute observation. My son is resistant to change - guess where he got that from? I think I carried around the thought of "hey, it could be worse" way too long so hopefully lesson learned there.

I totally acknowledge I played a pretty big part here - the original draft of the post was a lot longer (believe it or not) and got into a lot more detail about my decision making and thought process.

The good news is he's already showing more interest in playing again simply by watching how much fun his little brother is having.