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Baseball Articles from The Onion

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  • Baseball Articles from The Onion

    Perhaps you guys have already seen these articles from The Onion. If not, here they are:

    Mackey Sasser: 'Hey Everybody, Look At Me, I Took Steroids—I'm Mackey Sasser And I Took Steroids'


    NEW YORK—Former Mets catcher Mackey Sasser called an impromptu press conference last night to inform the public that he, too, has taken steroids. "Hey everyone, over here, it's me, Mackey Sasser. Remember me? The big fat catcher from the late '80s and early '90s Mets teams? Mackey Sasser. Not Dave Magadan, not Howard Johnson, not Kevin McReynolds—Mackey Sasser. Well, just wanted to let you all know that, believe it or not, I, of all people—me, Mackey Sasser!—took steroids. Yessiree bob, you heard it right, I took steroids. Whaddaya know? Bet you never suspected me. Not in a million years. Mackey Sasser, taking steroids," Sasser said. "I didn't take amphetamines, I didn't take human growth hormone, nope—I took the real thing. Steroids. Took 'em every day. Just thought you should know. Okay, bye." Sasser then told reporters that he would be "standing right over here" if they had any further questions.

    Last edited by 125osprey; 06-21-2006, 09:01 AM.
    1992 & 1993 World Series Champions

  • #2
    Home Depot Criticized For Pledging $10 Billion To American Cancer Society For Every Padres Home Run

    SAN DIEGO—Home Depot has come under fire from cancer patients, baseball fans, and Padres players for the company's recent "heartless and insulting" offer to donate "$10 billion in cash" to the American Cancer Society each time a Padres player hits a home run for the rest of the 2006 season. "This outrageous offer of 'charity' is a slap in the face to our organization," said Jay Czarnecki, a spokesman for the ACS. "Having your donation depend upon a San Diego player hitting a baseball over 300 feet through the air is not only placing unfair and unrealistic expectations on the Padres, but is equivalent to telling everyone who has cancer to go off and die." Czarnecki suggested that, if Home Depot truly supports the research and eradication of a disease that kills millions of Americans every year, they should pledge a dollar for each time a Padre strikes out or commits an error.

    Last edited by 125osprey; 06-21-2006, 09:01 AM.
    1992 & 1993 World Series Champions

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    • #3
      Joe Torre: 'Experimenting With Different Lineups Is An Addictive, Dangerous Game'

      NEW YORK—Despite beginning the year with a fairly stable batting order, Yankees manager Joe Torre has descended into a troublesome pattern, mixing and matching all different kinds of lineups in a desperate attempt to find the perfect combination that can satisfy him for more than one game. "It starts innocently enough, when you're just looking for a quick fix after one of your guys goes down for a while," said Torre, who admits that the first thing he does upon arriving at the ballpark now is grab the lineup card, shut his office door, and start cooking up lineups with every name he can think of—right fielders his friends talked about in high school, first basemen he tried once back in 2004, and sometimes guys he's never even heard of before. "But then you're trying out guys who were never meant to be in the same lineup together, just for the sheer thrill of seeing if it works. And the worst part is, I don't see this stopping anytime soon." Owner George Steinbrenner refused to respond to criticism that he has openly supported Torre's habit by constantly buying the manager new, riskier, more expensive options.

      1992 & 1993 World Series Champions

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      • #4
        Always welcome to see articles from The Onion here.
        Dave Bill Tom George Mark Bob Ernie Soupy Dick Alex Sparky
        Joe Gary MCA Emanuel Sonny Dave Earl Stan
        Jonathan Neil Roger Anthony Ray Thomas Art Don
        Gates Philip John Warrior Rik Casey Tony Horace
        Robin Bill Ernie JEDI

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        • #5
          The headline from the Padres article was enough to make me laugh. But the Torre one is my favorite.

          Thanks osprey.
          CLEVELAND INDIANS Central Division Champions

          1920 1948 1954 1995 1996 1997 1998 1999 2001 2007

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