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  • 50 things guaranteed not to happen in 2006

    I just happened across this post-Christmas article, and hadn't realized how funny it was. Most of it is about baseball, but a few about other sports, so please bear with me. I hope that you enjoy it.

    50 things guaranteed not to happen in 2006

    Thursday, December 29, 2005
    By CHUCK O'DONNELL
    STAFF WRITER

    We saw it coming.

    The White Sox winning their first World Series since 1917.

    A woman almost beating the boys at the Indianapolis 500.

    Rutgers playing in a bowl game.

    The Rangers beating the Devils ... three times.

    Johnny Damon jumping from the Red Sox to the Yankees and cutting his hair in the process.

    We told you so.

    Predicting all that was way too easy, like stopping the Jets' rushing attack.

    So this year, we're boldly forecasting 50 things guaranteed not to happen in 2006.

    No way, no how.

    Not a chance.

    We think.

    Here's one thing that we feel strongly won't happen: After splitting up with his wife, Tiger Woods will star in his own reality series: "Who Wants to Marry a Divorced Billionaire Golfing Icon?"

    And this probably won't, either: Lance Armstrong will leave Sheryl Crow for Courtney Love.

    Neither will this: Ashlee Simpson's singing career will be found cryogenically frozen alongside Ted Williams' head.

    In its latest attempt to crack down on steroids, Major League Baseball forces first-time offenders to listen to Kevin Federline's soon-to-be-released rap CD.

    College football expands to 75 bowl games, with the seventh-place team from the Big Sky Conference playing the sixth-place team from the Patriot League in the Bada-Bing Bowl at Giants Stadium.

    Randy Johnson, demonstrating he has adjusted to life in New York City, responds to every reporters' question with one word: "Fugheddaboutit!"

    The YES Network, running out of programming ideas, will air "Yankeeography: Melky Cabrera."

    All pro sports teams cut ticket prices in half.

    And parking is free.

    Demi Moore dumps boy-toy Ashton Kutcher and is spotted at Chuck E. Cheese's with T.J. Kidd.

    The XFL returns and inducts "He Hate Me" as the first member of its Hall of Fame.

    Bill Romanowski, Tanya Harding, Pete Rose, Dennis Rodman, Mike Tyson, Bob Probert and Latrell Sprewell will be cast in "Surreal Life 6."

    U2's Bono wins the Nobel Peace Prize for his work raising aid for Sprewell.

    Allen Iverson starts wearing culottes in an attempt to circumvent the NBA's new dress code.

    Rickey Henderson's return to the Newark Bears ends after he stumbles over his walker and breaks his hip while trying to steal second base.

    The Winter Olympics are rocked by a judging conspiracy in curling.

    Poker celebrity/sharp dresser Daniel Negreanu wears only pizza-stained flannel shirts at the World Series of Poker.

    Controversies involving public and non-public athletic programs reach a new level when public schools insist on being called non-private.

    Anna Benson stars in a new video: "Baseball Wives Gone Wild."

    The Devils, who have the oldest team in the NHL, change the name of Continental Arena to Incontinent Arena.

    Every Thursday, Manny Ramirez demands the Red Sox trade him.

    In an ill-fated attempt to foster stronger community ties, the Minnesota Vikings host a series of family cruises around Lake Minnetonka.

    Danica Patrick barely edges a soccer mom talking on a cellphone in her SUV to win the inaugural Tour de Route 80.

    Fearing the Jets will somehow wind up with the No. 1 pick in the NFL Draft, Reggie Bush buys a truckload of textbooks and stays at Southern Cal another year.

    The Jets wind up with the third pick and select Suzy Kolber.

    The Florida Marlins continue to dismantle their team, selling relief pitchers on eBay.

    Tim Duncan develops a hook shot and a personality.

    At the last minute, Turin officials make Texas Hold 'em an Olympic sport.

    The Jets sign George Blanda when they're hit with another wave of injuries at quarterback.

    The Baseball Hall of Fame opens a new exhibit of syringes used by members of the 500-homer club.

    Officials investigate when BALCO founder Victor Conte develops a children's vitamin that guarantees to make them grow big, "just like Barry Bonds!"

    Bonds will be the only major-leaguer not to test positive for steroids.

    "The Apprentice: George Steinbrenner" is canceled after The Boss fires all the contestants in the first episode.

    Scientists, working with the Society for Baseball Research, use tree-ring dating techniques to discover that the Mets' Julio Franco is actually 1,450 years old.

    Nomadic coach Larry Brown leaves the Knicks and coaches three other NBA teams, two college teams, an AAU team and a B-PSL team before spring is over.

    Roger Clemens returns to the Yankees and hurls another shattered bat at Mike Piazza, who is innocently sitting in the stands.

    After Rutgers takes a 10-7 halftime lead in its season opener with North Carolina, coach Greg Schiano is rewarded with another seven-year extension and guest spot on "The Sopranos."

    The United States soccer team wins the World Cup, but the championship match draws lower TV ratings than a "Laguna Beach" marathon.

    Annika Sorenstam wins five tournaments ... on the PGA Tour.

    Tired of having people mispronounce and misspell his name, Duke coach Mike Krzyzewski legally changes his name to "K-Diddy."

    Raiders owner Al Davis signs Terrell Owens to a long-term contract and changes Oakland's motto to "Just Whine Baby."

    After Eli Manning outduels brother Peyton to win Super Bowl XL, the San Diego Chargers select Cooper Manning in the first round of the draft.

    After a clean-cut Damon gets off to a horrendous start, Steinbrenner immediately orders all Yankees to grow beards and mullets.

    Billy Wagner blows his first save opportunity, prompting the Shea Stadium faithful to cheer, "We want Armando!"

    Lou Lamoriello guides the Devils to the Stanley Cup, and in the off-season, signs himself to a below-market contract to stay on as coach.

    The Colts' dream for an undefeated 2006 season ends in Week 17 when Don Shula charges off the sidelines and makes a last-second, goal-line tackle of Marvin Harrison.

    "Free Escalade Night" finally gets the Devils a sellout crowd.

    Shaquille O'Neal and Kobe Bryant have a teary reconciliation on a special prime-time episode of "Dr. Phil."

    Later in the show, Ron Artest pummels an audience member who throws a cup at him.

    The Yankees win the World Series, and amid the excitement, Alex Rodriguez utters his first unrehearsed words: "Today ... I consider myself ... the luckiest man … on the face of the earth."
    Please read Baseball Fever Policy and Forum FAQ before posting. 2007-11 CBA
    Rest very peacefully, John “Buck” O'Neil (1911-2006) & Philip Francis “Scooter” Rizzuto (1917-2007)
    THE BROOKLYN DODGERS - 1890 thru 1957
    Montreal Expos 1969 - 2004

  • #2
    Originally posted by Mattingly
    In its latest attempt to crack down on steroids, Major League Baseball forces first-time offenders to listen to Kevin Federline's soon-to-be-released rap CD.

    The YES Network, running out of programming ideas, will air "Yankeeography: Melky Cabrera."

    All pro sports teams cut ticket prices in half.

    And parking is free.

    Rickey Henderson's return to the Newark Bears ends after he stumbles over his walker and breaks his hip while trying to steal second base.

    Fearing the Jets will somehow wind up with the No. 1 pick in the NFL Draft, Reggie Bush buys a truckload of textbooks and stays at Southern Cal another year.

    The Jets wind up with the third pick and select Suzy Kolber.

    The Florida Marlins continue to dismantle their team, selling relief pitchers on eBay.

    At the last minute, Turin officials make Texas Hold 'em an Olympic sport.

    The Baseball Hall of Fame opens a new exhibit of syringes used by members of the 500-homer club.

    Officials investigate when BALCO founder Victor Conte develops a children's vitamin that guarantees to make them grow big, "just like Barry Bonds!"

    "The Apprentice: George Steinbrenner" is canceled after The Boss fires all the contestants in the first episode.

    Nomadic coach Larry Brown leaves the Knicks and coaches three other NBA teams, two college teams, an AAU team and a B-PSL team before spring is over.

    Roger Clemens returns to the Yankees and hurls another shattered bat at Mike Piazza, who is innocently sitting in the stands.

    Annika Sorenstam wins five tournaments ... on the PGA Tour.

    Tired of having people mispronounce and misspell his name, Duke coach Mike Krzyzewski legally changes his name to "K-Diddy."

    After a clean-cut Damon gets off to a horrendous start, Steinbrenner immediately orders all Yankees to grow beards and mullets.

    Shaquille O'Neal and Kobe Bryant have a teary reconciliation on a special prime-time episode of "Dr. Phil."

    Later in the show, Ron Artest pummels an audience member who throws a cup at him.
    those ones were hilarious
    Yankees '09

    Arod, CC, AJ, DJ and Tex

    Comment


    • #3
      After a clean-cut Damon gets off to a horrendous start, Steinbrenner immediately orders all Yankees to grow beards and mullets.

      i especially love that one!!! funny stuff mattingly.
      Yankees '09

      Arod, CC, AJ, DJ and Tex

      Comment


      • #4
        I'm glad you folks like it. Also, that thing about a Yankeeography about Melky Cabrera, he's the prospect (if he can be called that) who sipped a few cups of java around July or so, and was sent back down. The Yankeeography bios are usually about JoeD, Yogi, Ruth, Mantle, etc.

        Had to liven the place up a little bit.
        Please read Baseball Fever Policy and Forum FAQ before posting. 2007-11 CBA
        Rest very peacefully, John “Buck” O'Neil (1911-2006) & Philip Francis “Scooter” Rizzuto (1917-2007)
        THE BROOKLYN DODGERS - 1890 thru 1957
        Montreal Expos 1969 - 2004

        Comment


        • #5
          The Yanks don't go after every top free agent, sell their high-priced players to the Royals and are bolstered by their receipt of money from the luxury tax on the Royals. They put it into their farm system and office employees' dental insurance.
          Mythical SF Chronicle scouting report: "That Jeff runs like a deer. Unfortunately, he also hits AND throws like one." I am Venus DeMilo - NO ARM! I can play like a big leaguer, I can field like Luzinski, run like Lombardi. The secret to managing is keeping the ones who hate you away from the undecided ones. I am a triumph of quantity over quality. I'm almost useful, every village needs an idiot.
          Good traders: MadHatter(2), BoofBonser26, StormSurge

          Comment


          • #6
            Originally posted by RuthMayBond
            The Yanks don't go after every top free agent, sell their high-priced players to the Royals and are bolstered by their receipt of money from the luxury tax on the Royals. They put it into their farm system and office employees' dental insurance.
            RMB becomes a dedicated Yankees fan, wearing his fave authentic #2 jersey, offering some "spicy" comments from the RF Bleachers (the notorious Section 39, no less).

            Oh, but he may pay a visit to LF, where he's more comfortable.
            Please read Baseball Fever Policy and Forum FAQ before posting. 2007-11 CBA
            Rest very peacefully, John “Buck” O'Neil (1911-2006) & Philip Francis “Scooter” Rizzuto (1917-2007)
            THE BROOKLYN DODGERS - 1890 thru 1957
            Montreal Expos 1969 - 2004

            Comment


            • #7
              Originally posted by Mattingly
              RMB becomes a dedicated Yankees fan, wearing his fave authentic #2 jersey, offering some "spicy" comments from the RF Bleachers (the notorious Section 39, no less).
              When George Steinbrenner grows wings (shouldn't'a said that, he's got the $ to do it)

              <Oh, but he may pay a visit to LF, where he's more comfortable.>

              . . . with my hard hat and flak jacket
              Mythical SF Chronicle scouting report: "That Jeff runs like a deer. Unfortunately, he also hits AND throws like one." I am Venus DeMilo - NO ARM! I can play like a big leaguer, I can field like Luzinski, run like Lombardi. The secret to managing is keeping the ones who hate you away from the undecided ones. I am a triumph of quantity over quality. I'm almost useful, every village needs an idiot.
              Good traders: MadHatter(2), BoofBonser26, StormSurge

              Comment


              • #8
                Originally posted by RuthMayBond
                When George Steinbrenner grows wings (shouldn't'a said that, he's got the $ to do it)

                <Oh, but he may pay a visit to LF, where he's more comfortable.>

                . . . with my hard hat and flak jacket
                When Big Stein (from Seinfeld infamy) grows wings, then he'll already be a saint. If so, he'll allow the payroll limit to be $300m and there would be no luxury tax. Oh, and any team having a great player, Saint Stein would be allowed to make them an offer which they're not allowed to refuse. Only a measly 6 offers a season, so don't worry. :d

                Hard hat and flack jacket, huh? Hey, just try on this brand spanking new Red Sox jersey. Oh, my bad, it's a little old. I think it reads "Pedro" on the back.



                who's yo daaaa-deeeee?
                Please read Baseball Fever Policy and Forum FAQ before posting. 2007-11 CBA
                Rest very peacefully, John “Buck” O'Neil (1911-2006) & Philip Francis “Scooter” Rizzuto (1917-2007)
                THE BROOKLYN DODGERS - 1890 thru 1957
                Montreal Expos 1969 - 2004

                Comment


                • #9
                  Originally posted by Mattingly
                  The Yankees win the World Series, and amid the excitement, Alex Rodriguez utters his first unrehearsed words: "Today ... I consider myself ... the luckiest man … on the face of the earth."[/size]
                  Are you sure? I think I've heard that one somewhere

                  Comment


                  • #10
                    Anna Benson stars in a new video: "Baseball Wives Gone Wild."
                    If I had to pick one on the list that is most likely to happen, it would be that one.

                    Comment


                    • #11
                      Originally posted by Edgartohof
                      Are you sure? I think I've heard that one somewhere
                      That the Yanks will or won't win the WS, or that A-Rod makes an unsolicited "Luckiest man alive" speech?
                      Please read Baseball Fever Policy and Forum FAQ before posting. 2007-11 CBA
                      Rest very peacefully, John “Buck” O'Neil (1911-2006) & Philip Francis “Scooter” Rizzuto (1917-2007)
                      THE BROOKLYN DODGERS - 1890 thru 1957
                      Montreal Expos 1969 - 2004

                      Comment


                      • #12
                        Come to think of it, this place has been pretty dead lately.
                        Cristobal

                        Comment


                        • #13
                          Originally posted by Mattingly
                          When Big Stein (from Seinfeld infamy) grows wings, then he'll already be a saint.
                          An odd reference to a porky creature

                          <Hard hat and flack jacket, huh? Hey, just try on this brand spanking new Red Sox jersey.>

                          At least they've not choked with a 3-0 games lead, and they've won the World Series in the past five years
                          Mythical SF Chronicle scouting report: "That Jeff runs like a deer. Unfortunately, he also hits AND throws like one." I am Venus DeMilo - NO ARM! I can play like a big leaguer, I can field like Luzinski, run like Lombardi. The secret to managing is keeping the ones who hate you away from the undecided ones. I am a triumph of quantity over quality. I'm almost useful, every village needs an idiot.
                          Good traders: MadHatter(2), BoofBonser26, StormSurge

                          Comment


                          • #14
                            Originally posted by The Big C
                            If I had to pick one on the list that is most likely to happen, it would be that one.
                            Of all those, that's the one I hope to see the most.
                            :gt :gt :gt :gt :gt
                            Johnson and now Goligoski gone.
                            I hope that's all.

                            Comment


                            • #15
                              Originally posted by Chisox
                              Of all those, that's the one I hope to see the most.
                              That's what I figured would get the most attention. Hey, I took my chances it wouldn't What can I say?

                              Any additions someone out here would add?
                              Originally posted by RuthMayBond
                              An odd reference to a porky creature

                              <Hard hat and flack jacket, huh? Hey, just try on this brand spanking new Red Sox jersey.>

                              At least they've not choked with a 3-0 games lead, and they've won the World Series in the past five years
                              I was familiar with the piggly wiggly reference. Just didn't catch how this was related to Big Stein (per his Seinfeld portrayer's name).

                              3-0 leads and the asphixiation. Isn't that special.



                              special report. that guy from out in left field at the jake somewhere has now departed to a better place. he won't be missed
                              Last edited by Mattingly; 01-19-2006, 10:07 AM.
                              Please read Baseball Fever Policy and Forum FAQ before posting. 2007-11 CBA
                              Rest very peacefully, John “Buck” O'Neil (1911-2006) & Philip Francis “Scooter” Rizzuto (1917-2007)
                              THE BROOKLYN DODGERS - 1890 thru 1957
                              Montreal Expos 1969 - 2004

                              Comment

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