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I just happened across this post-Christmas article, and hadn't realized how funny it was. Most of it is about baseball, but a few about other sports, so please bear with me. I hope that you enjoy it.
50 things guaranteed not to happen in 2006
Thursday, December 29, 2005
By CHUCK O'DONNELL
STAFF WRITER
We saw it coming.
The White Sox winning their first World Series since 1917.
A woman almost beating the boys at the Indianapolis 500.
Rutgers playing in a bowl game.
The Rangers beating the Devils ... three times.
Johnny Damon jumping from the Red Sox to the Yankees and cutting his hair in the process.
We told you so.
Predicting all that was way too easy, like stopping the Jets' rushing attack.
So this year, we're boldly forecasting 50 things guaranteed not to happen in 2006.
No way, no how.
Not a chance.
We think.
Here's one thing that we feel strongly won't happen: After splitting up with his wife, Tiger Woods will star in his own reality series: "Who Wants to Marry a Divorced Billionaire Golfing Icon?"
And this probably won't, either: Lance Armstrong will leave Sheryl Crow for Courtney Love.
Neither will this: Ashlee Simpson's singing career will be found cryogenically frozen alongside Ted Williams' head.
In its latest attempt to crack down on steroids, Major League Baseball forces first-time offenders to listen to Kevin Federline's soon-to-be-released rap CD.
College football expands to 75 bowl games, with the seventh-place team from the Big Sky Conference playing the sixth-place team from the Patriot League in the Bada-Bing Bowl at Giants Stadium.
Randy Johnson, demonstrating he has adjusted to life in New York City, responds to every reporters' question with one word: "Fugheddaboutit!"
The YES Network, running out of programming ideas, will air "Yankeeography: Melky Cabrera."
All pro sports teams cut ticket prices in half.
And parking is free.
Demi Moore dumps boy-toy Ashton Kutcher and is spotted at Chuck E. Cheese's with T.J. Kidd.
The XFL returns and inducts "He Hate Me" as the first member of its Hall of Fame.
Bill Romanowski, Tanya Harding, Pete Rose, Dennis Rodman, Mike Tyson, Bob Probert and Latrell Sprewell will be cast in "Surreal Life 6."
U2's Bono wins the Nobel Peace Prize for his work raising aid for Sprewell.
Allen Iverson starts wearing culottes in an attempt to circumvent the NBA's new dress code.
Rickey Henderson's return to the Newark Bears ends after he stumbles over his walker and breaks his hip while trying to steal second base.
The Winter Olympics are rocked by a judging conspiracy in curling.
Poker celebrity/sharp dresser Daniel Negreanu wears only pizza-stained flannel shirts at the World Series of Poker.
Controversies involving public and non-public athletic programs reach a new level when public schools insist on being called non-private.
Anna Benson stars in a new video: "Baseball Wives Gone Wild."
The Devils, who have the oldest team in the NHL, change the name of Continental Arena to Incontinent Arena.
Every Thursday, Manny Ramirez demands the Red Sox trade him.
In an ill-fated attempt to foster stronger community ties, the Minnesota Vikings host a series of family cruises around Lake Minnetonka.
Danica Patrick barely edges a soccer mom talking on a cellphone in her SUV to win the inaugural Tour de Route 80.
Fearing the Jets will somehow wind up with the No. 1 pick in the NFL Draft, Reggie Bush buys a truckload of textbooks and stays at Southern Cal another year.
The Jets wind up with the third pick and select Suzy Kolber.
The Florida Marlins continue to dismantle their team, selling relief pitchers on eBay.
Tim Duncan develops a hook shot and a personality.
At the last minute, Turin officials make Texas Hold 'em an Olympic sport.
The Jets sign George Blanda when they're hit with another wave of injuries at quarterback.
The Baseball Hall of Fame opens a new exhibit of syringes used by members of the 500-homer club.
Officials investigate when BALCO founder Victor Conte develops a children's vitamin that guarantees to make them grow big, "just like Barry Bonds!"
Bonds will be the only major-leaguer not to test positive for steroids.
"The Apprentice: George Steinbrenner" is canceled after The Boss fires all the contestants in the first episode.
Scientists, working with the Society for Baseball Research, use tree-ring dating techniques to discover that the Mets' Julio Franco is actually 1,450 years old.
Nomadic coach Larry Brown leaves the Knicks and coaches three other NBA teams, two college teams, an AAU team and a B-PSL team before spring is over.
Roger Clemens returns to the Yankees and hurls another shattered bat at Mike Piazza, who is innocently sitting in the stands.
After Rutgers takes a 10-7 halftime lead in its season opener with North Carolina, coach Greg Schiano is rewarded with another seven-year extension and guest spot on "The Sopranos."
The United States soccer team wins the World Cup, but the championship match draws lower TV ratings than a "Laguna Beach" marathon.
Annika Sorenstam wins five tournaments ... on the PGA Tour.
Tired of having people mispronounce and misspell his name, Duke coach Mike Krzyzewski legally changes his name to "K-Diddy."
Raiders owner Al Davis signs Terrell Owens to a long-term contract and changes Oakland's motto to "Just Whine Baby."
After Eli Manning outduels brother Peyton to win Super Bowl XL, the San Diego Chargers select Cooper Manning in the first round of the draft.
After a clean-cut Damon gets off to a horrendous start, Steinbrenner immediately orders all Yankees to grow beards and mullets.
Billy Wagner blows his first save opportunity, prompting the Shea Stadium faithful to cheer, "We want Armando!"
Lou Lamoriello guides the Devils to the Stanley Cup, and in the off-season, signs himself to a below-market contract to stay on as coach.
The Colts' dream for an undefeated 2006 season ends in Week 17 when Don Shula charges off the sidelines and makes a last-second, goal-line tackle of Marvin Harrison.
"Free Escalade Night" finally gets the Devils a sellout crowd.
Shaquille O'Neal and Kobe Bryant have a teary reconciliation on a special prime-time episode of "Dr. Phil."
Later in the show, Ron Artest pummels an audience member who throws a cup at him.
The Yankees win the World Series, and amid the excitement, Alex Rodriguez utters his first unrehearsed words: "Today ... I consider myself ... the luckiest man … on the face of the earth."
50 things guaranteed not to happen in 2006
Thursday, December 29, 2005
By CHUCK O'DONNELL
STAFF WRITER
We saw it coming.
The White Sox winning their first World Series since 1917.
A woman almost beating the boys at the Indianapolis 500.
Rutgers playing in a bowl game.
The Rangers beating the Devils ... three times.
Johnny Damon jumping from the Red Sox to the Yankees and cutting his hair in the process.
We told you so.
Predicting all that was way too easy, like stopping the Jets' rushing attack.
So this year, we're boldly forecasting 50 things guaranteed not to happen in 2006.
No way, no how.
Not a chance.
We think.
Here's one thing that we feel strongly won't happen: After splitting up with his wife, Tiger Woods will star in his own reality series: "Who Wants to Marry a Divorced Billionaire Golfing Icon?"
And this probably won't, either: Lance Armstrong will leave Sheryl Crow for Courtney Love.
Neither will this: Ashlee Simpson's singing career will be found cryogenically frozen alongside Ted Williams' head.
In its latest attempt to crack down on steroids, Major League Baseball forces first-time offenders to listen to Kevin Federline's soon-to-be-released rap CD.
College football expands to 75 bowl games, with the seventh-place team from the Big Sky Conference playing the sixth-place team from the Patriot League in the Bada-Bing Bowl at Giants Stadium.
Randy Johnson, demonstrating he has adjusted to life in New York City, responds to every reporters' question with one word: "Fugheddaboutit!"
The YES Network, running out of programming ideas, will air "Yankeeography: Melky Cabrera."
All pro sports teams cut ticket prices in half.
And parking is free.
Demi Moore dumps boy-toy Ashton Kutcher and is spotted at Chuck E. Cheese's with T.J. Kidd.
The XFL returns and inducts "He Hate Me" as the first member of its Hall of Fame.
Bill Romanowski, Tanya Harding, Pete Rose, Dennis Rodman, Mike Tyson, Bob Probert and Latrell Sprewell will be cast in "Surreal Life 6."
U2's Bono wins the Nobel Peace Prize for his work raising aid for Sprewell.
Allen Iverson starts wearing culottes in an attempt to circumvent the NBA's new dress code.
Rickey Henderson's return to the Newark Bears ends after he stumbles over his walker and breaks his hip while trying to steal second base.
The Winter Olympics are rocked by a judging conspiracy in curling.
Poker celebrity/sharp dresser Daniel Negreanu wears only pizza-stained flannel shirts at the World Series of Poker.
Controversies involving public and non-public athletic programs reach a new level when public schools insist on being called non-private.
Anna Benson stars in a new video: "Baseball Wives Gone Wild."
The Devils, who have the oldest team in the NHL, change the name of Continental Arena to Incontinent Arena.
Every Thursday, Manny Ramirez demands the Red Sox trade him.
In an ill-fated attempt to foster stronger community ties, the Minnesota Vikings host a series of family cruises around Lake Minnetonka.
Danica Patrick barely edges a soccer mom talking on a cellphone in her SUV to win the inaugural Tour de Route 80.
Fearing the Jets will somehow wind up with the No. 1 pick in the NFL Draft, Reggie Bush buys a truckload of textbooks and stays at Southern Cal another year.
The Jets wind up with the third pick and select Suzy Kolber.
The Florida Marlins continue to dismantle their team, selling relief pitchers on eBay.
Tim Duncan develops a hook shot and a personality.
At the last minute, Turin officials make Texas Hold 'em an Olympic sport.
The Jets sign George Blanda when they're hit with another wave of injuries at quarterback.
The Baseball Hall of Fame opens a new exhibit of syringes used by members of the 500-homer club.
Officials investigate when BALCO founder Victor Conte develops a children's vitamin that guarantees to make them grow big, "just like Barry Bonds!"
Bonds will be the only major-leaguer not to test positive for steroids.
"The Apprentice: George Steinbrenner" is canceled after The Boss fires all the contestants in the first episode.
Scientists, working with the Society for Baseball Research, use tree-ring dating techniques to discover that the Mets' Julio Franco is actually 1,450 years old.
Nomadic coach Larry Brown leaves the Knicks and coaches three other NBA teams, two college teams, an AAU team and a B-PSL team before spring is over.
Roger Clemens returns to the Yankees and hurls another shattered bat at Mike Piazza, who is innocently sitting in the stands.
After Rutgers takes a 10-7 halftime lead in its season opener with North Carolina, coach Greg Schiano is rewarded with another seven-year extension and guest spot on "The Sopranos."
The United States soccer team wins the World Cup, but the championship match draws lower TV ratings than a "Laguna Beach" marathon.
Annika Sorenstam wins five tournaments ... on the PGA Tour.
Tired of having people mispronounce and misspell his name, Duke coach Mike Krzyzewski legally changes his name to "K-Diddy."
Raiders owner Al Davis signs Terrell Owens to a long-term contract and changes Oakland's motto to "Just Whine Baby."
After Eli Manning outduels brother Peyton to win Super Bowl XL, the San Diego Chargers select Cooper Manning in the first round of the draft.
After a clean-cut Damon gets off to a horrendous start, Steinbrenner immediately orders all Yankees to grow beards and mullets.
Billy Wagner blows his first save opportunity, prompting the Shea Stadium faithful to cheer, "We want Armando!"
Lou Lamoriello guides the Devils to the Stanley Cup, and in the off-season, signs himself to a below-market contract to stay on as coach.
The Colts' dream for an undefeated 2006 season ends in Week 17 when Don Shula charges off the sidelines and makes a last-second, goal-line tackle of Marvin Harrison.
"Free Escalade Night" finally gets the Devils a sellout crowd.
Shaquille O'Neal and Kobe Bryant have a teary reconciliation on a special prime-time episode of "Dr. Phil."
Later in the show, Ron Artest pummels an audience member who throws a cup at him.
The Yankees win the World Series, and amid the excitement, Alex Rodriguez utters his first unrehearsed words: "Today ... I consider myself ... the luckiest man … on the face of the earth."
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